Why I love Dan Savage
I’ve been reading Dan Savage’s column in the Stranger for so long, I remember when Savage Love was called “Hey Faggot,” and when “Pegging” was coined as a phrase for a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on, by Savage Love readers.
I’ve always thought Dan Savage gave witty, informative and to-the-point responses, and hearing him speak drives that point home for me even more.
On monogamy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm9Bwpxy4V0
One of the myths of monogamy is, where there’s love, monogamy should be easy.
One of the great unacknowledged problems in heterosexual relationships is not just adultery, but despair. The despair of fidelity. The despair of marriage meaning you’ll never see another human being naked again for as long as you live.
And this one, on the “price of admission” required to be in a long-term relationship.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno
Brilliant – bittersweet honesty.
“There is no settling down without settling for.”
It’s really a love story though, how we keep the myth alive for each other.
I think he views life in a much different way. I love is stuff. His video on coming out to your parents or family as gay helped me see how to come out to my family as poly.
@ourquad – I’ve been thinking about writing a “coming out” blog, but I realize I don’t have much experience there, as my family has always accepted my lifestyle (as much as they can, not understanding it). I’d be interested to hear your experience.
I just recently told my mom and and sisters. They suspected but I had an odd feeling afterwards. I did blog about it and explained that feeling at the end.
http://ourquad.wordpress.com/2009/10/15/out-of-the-closet-to-my-family/
I really like his stuff as well. The funny thing is he’s not exactly confident of the viability of long-term poly relationships (again with the “price of admission”)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EP_hZBLlTtE
“But good fucking luck to you!”
@Bex – I watched that video as well, and was thinking about what he said about having been to several Poly weddings, but never a poly 3-year anniversary. That’s tough. I was thinking about what he said about people having a hard enough time co-existing with just two people, and when you add 3, 4, more, it’s usually too hard.
I think the reason it works in my relationship (so far) is because somehow we keep these intimacies separate. While we are all friends, we generally have very well-defined times that we spend with each other, so while we have different relationships, we’re not all trying to co-exist?
Not sure if that made sense. :)
It makes sense. I agree with Dan that relationships are complicated, and more people equals more complication. He’s not wrong, but I don’t think he’s exactly right either. He’s also obviously not preaching eternal only-you-forevermore style fidelity, rather that a committed bonded group seems unfeasible… it’s that idea that what is *most* natural for us humans is some form of monogamy-plus-cheating, which isn’t exactly cheating if our mates sanction it, but still a far cry from the balancing act called for in maintaining multiple serious relationships.
I have individual relationships with my husband and boyfriend, but we are also all part of a larger family group, which I don’t view as any less important. I wouldn’t want to give anyone the impression that it’s been easy, but it is what works for my particular wiring. It makes me feel good knowing the guys care about each other, though in a different way than they care for me. What’s comfortable is being able to have the private intimate times without feeling that I *must* always keep them separated. Boundaries exist, but they’re mutable. So that’s what’s been working for us so far.
Never a 3-year anniversary? My core triad is coming up on it’s 6th anniversary.
@Polywolf – Congratulations!!
I think there are obvious exceptions to the rule, but following general trends in poly relationships. . . Sadly, it’s almot unheard of for them to last more than 3 years.
Got any tricks of the trade you care to share? :) What do you and your partners do differently that you think contributes to your longevity?
@Bex – That was beautifully put. Your relatinoships sound very much like my own. And this is a very valid point: it’s that idea that what is *most* natural for us humans is some form of monogamy-plus-cheating, which isn’t exactly cheating if our mates sanction it
In Anthropology I learned about certain apes that live in “monogomous pairings,” yet every once in a while, the male would leave for the night in search of a mistress. While he was gone, his “wife” would open her doors to other roaming husbands, and they would essentially wife swap for the night. This wasn’t for procreation purposes, and they did it on a regular basis. It seems it’s hardwired in our brains to want to experience others.
@ourquad – thanks for sharing your blog about it, I’ll check it out. . .
Hmm. Not sure exactly how I managed it. Devotion by all members to the group, and a willingness to compromise and occasionally even sacrifice.